During my self-imposed hiatus from
the healthy living facebook and blogging community,
I was forced to face, head-on,
the foreign language of physicality.
Defined by Miriam-Webster
physicality is an intensely physical orientation,
predominance of the physical,
usually at the expense of the mental, spiritual, or social
or simply defined as a physical aspect or quality.
My coursework in this foreign language started innocently enough back in December,
while supporting 2 bloggers I deeply admire and their #wycwyc campaign (and now upcoming book).
I prided myself on being one of the first to show my support by ordering this:
At the same time, I reached out to another fabulous blogger, for some online training and mentoring.
I was gung-ho, over motivated and ready to finally DO something (for the umpteenth time) about my body size.
But something unusual happened
He SLOWED me down!
He put the brakes on my over enthusiasm.
It proved to be the BEST thing anyone could have done for me
His earworm still whispers to me each and every single day
Just 15 minutes.
The Year of Self
I entered the year of 2014 with a declaration of it being the year of “self”,
full of hope, motivation, and determination to make this the year of change!
I set my intention behind my word.
Self is a noun, a pronoun, an adjective, a prefix and a suffix. There are over a 100 words in the dictionary that start with the word self. In a metaphorical sense, the hyphen placed after self is the “tie” between the rails of our existence. The flexible support we need to make life-long changes. I want to walk steadily instead of speeding off into the sunset of some perceived happiness. I want to learn to glide smoothly forward to the destination with the ability to enjoy each moment each and every railroad tie forward.
February, I entered into the month with self-assurance.
However, the duality argument in my head was raging and it eventually became my downfall.
You see, my trainer had dropped another earworm. Physicality.
I looked up the definition and immediately said, NOPE…not me.
That’s so foreign for me and I am doing just fine and went on my merry way.
Yes, mentally I was self-assured. Positive that I could conquer the world.
I had already proven many things to myself in a short amount of time.
I was progressing with the weight lifting.
I walked a 5K on the treadmill.
I was walking over 5ooo steps a day (compared to my under 3000 when I started)
I stepped out of my comfort zone and video taped myself exercising and showed it to my trainer.
I was exuding confidence in my #wycwyc and just 15 minutes.
But what I wasn’t facing was the growing pain in my foot and
the underlying fear of a label from December of
(a negative, dirty word at this point)
Long, long story short. I ended up in a lovely unfashionable boot with a stress fracture in my foot.
This is about the time I checked out from my facebook healthy living support.
#1 underlying fear had reared its ugly head again.
Just as I get going, enjoying exercising, I get hurt or sick.
I’m not athletic
I’m too big
I’m not good enough, not talented enough…just plain not good enough
I moped, I pouted, I cried, and fell full blown into my fear
I will ALWAYS be fat.
The unfortunate part, yet in hindsight, the greatest gift,
was what happens to me with facebook or any other social media.
Heck, any media for that matter.
The underlying images that provoke the self talk, the competition, the comparison.
The writer, the poster, can have the best of intentions
but you NEVER know completely each individuals circumstances or history or experiences.
The body language and art of conversation is lost to a one dimensional forum.
The Healing Begins
It was during this six weeks of healing, my “mentoring” stopped,
I discontinued writing, and worse yet, a lovely lady, a sister of sorts, being diagnosed with cancer.
The stress was mounting, I had turned my back on all my “stress” management techniques,
and fell into a pity pot of negativity, while still keeping up the front of “semblance of order“.
That was my parting post in March.
Only a few days after that post, life pulled the rug out from under me
An uncle passed away (my fav cousins Dad) and I took my savings and flew to Michigan for a 3 day whirl wind trip
to be there to support my dearest cousin.
Upon my return, I got notification that we had 60 days to move from our home
the home that a visualization had blessed me with
(a story I have mentioned many times before)
My life was thrown for the biggest loop yet!
A test of my faith, strength, and ability to learn……………
(come back next week for more about learning the foreign language of physicality)