Semblance of Order

You've always had the power my dear quote  I have spent the last few months trying to make sense of the semblance of order I pretended to have while still arguing with my disordered thinking within.

My catalyst, to return to my favorite writing muse, Big Girl Bombshell, was facing my semblance of order head on.  While some say it takes courage, strength, and tenacity to do what is hard, I have come to realize, it simply takes a semblance of self!

I stepped back from my favorite girl back at the beginning of the year and attempted to re-label myself as midlife mom…..a twilight zone all its own…..but my venture into self (my word for the year) had me looking my personal labels and all the expectations that come with that.    ……Most all of my expectations of myself were my “outward semblance of order” tools.

Living a life filled with disordered thinking and actions is exhausting, to say the least.

It’s not the pretending, the physical actions of the disordered thinking, or even the lasting effects that wears on you, it is pretending to show some semblance of order on the outside while battling the disordered thinking within.

“My lifetime mantra, from the beautiful Glinda of Wizard of Oz fame, ” You’ve always had the power, my dear, you just had to learn it for yourself!” The manifestation of wearing ruby red shoes, whether they be stiletto heals with a white wedding dress, or converse tennis shoes with a pair of jeans.  It doesn’t matter when or how you wear them, as long as you walk in them!   Each and every day!

My most profound action to date was closing down my bombshell facebook page.  I miss quite a few of the people but what it gave me was a renewed sense of who I am.  A restoration of my own inner power and strength.   It quieted the noise so I could truly listen beneath the current of my disordered thinking.

It has never been about the weight or the food.   It has always been about chasing an appearance of a strong semblance of order on the outside with the chaotic struggle with disorder.   Rather than a food addiction, or disordered eating, or dieting, or lack of exercise, or making myself a better person,  it simply was all the behaviors and actions and myths and beliefs I used to quiet the chaotic thinking……

So, for all of you that may find this post,  I simply say………..

Namaste!

 

 

Ch.Ch.Ch. Changes

The end of December is a heavy contemplative time for me…and this year is no different Reviewing my year, planning my next year, vision board planning, and finding my next “word” of the year. My metamorphosis year has been just that….HUGE …so as I start 2014 there will be plenty of ch..ch..ch..changes… Enjoy your end […]

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Wait Training, and Resistance

weighttrainingpinup

It was 1997.  I was riding the bullet train of super mom powers,. A heart devoted single Mom, with an awesome and satisfying career, with a second, part-time job teaching (my first and seemingly authentic passion) a homeowner, an online accelerated student, in the midst of the lifelong dream of obtaining my Bachelor’s degree, prepared […]

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HomeMade

My countdown has been derailed. I made the choice for a more homemade Christmas….. So, I am busy, crafting, baking and best of all….. these Christmas Gift Suggestions To your enemy, forgiveness. To an opponent, tolerance. To a friend, your heart. To a customer, service. To all, charity. To every child, a good example. To […]

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#23 Countdown to Saving Christmas – Cyber Monday

cyberMonday

Here is the thing about Cyber Monday…. It’s becoming out dated,in my opinion. The first Cyber Monday was November, 2005 During that year and a few years after, the online deals were incredible. But the last few years have lost its luster. Black Friday goes on for a week and those deals bleed over onto […]

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#24 Countdown to Saving Christmas – What to Expect

cashback

Tomorrow is Cyber Monday…..My annual shopping day… I am surfing and drafting a post for the best deals for Cyber Monday and putting a LONG list together for some of the best loyalty bucks deals I have seen in a long time… To tide you over and start preparing you for the week to come, […]

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#25 Countdown to Saving Christmas – Shop Small

sm1

Hurray!   Today is Small Business Saturday! Often, in the hype of Black Friday and Cyber Monday, we lose sight of Small Business Saturday.  A day deemed to support the local “Mom and Pop” stores that seem to be fading into the sunset in our economic times. Most of the memories and cherished gifts of Christmas […]

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#26 Count Down to Savings Christmas – Nail Polish

One thing I am known for, in my real life, is the bargains I find. I RARELY spend full price for anything.  One of my newest adventures, still in hobby status at this point, is finding the value in coupon shopping, online and on the rare occasion that I venture out into the home status […]

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The Empty Plate

empty-plate

While most of us know the story of the First Thanksgiving with the Pilgrims and Indians, a three day feast to celebrate the first harvest in the New World. But, did you know it wasn’t until a little over 200 years later, during the Civil War,  that President Abraham Lincoln  proclaimed a national day of […]

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is there Positive Writer’s Block

lake-meditation

It is more than a little obvious to me, that I have writer’s block.  But, of course, it is not a stereotypical writers block……or is it? Over the years, most top – pick any random number – lists often boil down to fear being the basis of writers block.  A darkness of depression or anxiety […]

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