My catalyst, to return to my favorite writing muse, Big Girl Bombshell, was facing my semblance of order head on. While some say it takes courage, strength, and tenacity to do what is hard, I have come to realize, it simply takes a semblance of self!
I stepped back from my favorite girl back at the beginning of the year and attempted to re-label myself as midlife mom…..a twilight zone all its own…..but my venture into self (my word for the year) had me looking my personal labels and all the expectations that come with that. ……Most all of my expectations of myself were my “outward semblance of order” tools.
Living a life filled with disordered thinking and actions is exhausting, to say the least.
It’s not the pretending, the physical actions of the disordered thinking, or even the lasting effects that wears on you, it is pretending to show some semblance of order on the outside while battling the disordered thinking within.
“My lifetime mantra, from the beautiful Glinda of Wizard of Oz fame, ” You’ve always had the power, my dear, you just had to learn it for yourself!” The manifestation of wearing ruby red shoes, whether they be stiletto heals with a white wedding dress, or converse tennis shoes with a pair of jeans. It doesn’t matter when or how you wear them, as long as you walk in them! Each and every day!
My most profound action to date was closing down my bombshell facebook page. I miss quite a few of the people but what it gave me was a renewed sense of who I am. A restoration of my own inner power and strength. It quieted the noise so I could truly listen beneath the current of my disordered thinking.
It has never been about the weight or the food. It has always been about chasing an appearance of a strong semblance of order on the outside with the chaotic struggle with disorder. Rather than a food addiction, or disordered eating, or dieting, or lack of exercise, or making myself a better person, it simply was all the behaviors and actions and myths and beliefs I used to quiet the chaotic thinking……
So, for all of you that may find this post, I simply say………..