Saturday, February 20, 2010
The Walk of Shame
Come on in. Sit for a spell. Let me tell you about my week.
The scale actually moved this week. 6 pounds mind you. I should be elated but alas I’m not. It has been a long, exhausting week and an extremely reflective one. The scale moved because I have been on an extremely soft foods diet due to oral surgery at the beginning of the week. In addition to the oral surgery, I have been battling major fatigue that came on a couple of weeks ago.
After several visits to the doctor, I have some things I have to pay attention to. I have a major Vitamin D deficiency, which I have mentioned, where my levels are at 14 and they like them to be at 50. I also have high numbers on a blood condition called polycythemia, which is where your bone marrow does not produce a certain enzyme and the blood volumes become to thick. My grandmother had this. And, of course, the yearly bout with SAD. Seasonal Affective Disorder. What I DO see, is that these are all related, including the oral surgery part. I have had these for a long time and just have NOT paid enough attention to my body. Honestly, I really haven’t ever wanted to know about it.
I have been off work this week and I return on Monday. I wish my doctor would have prescribed 12 weeks on a tropical island instead of the megadoses of Vitamin D. But this week has been a blessing in disguise. A vacation like one I would never plan. I took naps every day and spent time reading up on the inner workings of the body, and reading so many blogs that are filled with stories and triumphs and disappointments that I can relate to. I said no to many things and just focused on taking care of me, what I needed, and asked for help.
The biggest revelation for me is finally admitting I have an addiction to food. Using food to solve my emotions, whether that was deprivation or over indulgence. Treating my emotions like they are a bad thing. The black and white thinking that I grew up with. There was nothing ever in between. That black and white thinking has kept me in a walk of shame. Being embarrassed by my upbringing, not being perfect, not feeling lovable, and actually not sharing things about myself, particularly the good things. What the hell is that all about?
For way too many years to count, I looked for a label to help me feel like I fit in, that I belonged. As I get older, those labels don’t work for me. I just want to be me. Julie Kay in all her glory. I am sick and tired of the weight and taking on other people’s opinions as truth about who I am. I often based my accomplishments and sense of pride in what were other people’s accomplishments. Mine had no tangible rewards as I saw it, so they were not as successful. Mine were just actions of survival.
My body size keeps me in the shame. It started as a protection mechanism as a small girl and the only thing I had any control or say so over. Food and the feeling that it gave me was the only comfort and solace I had. I used food to nurture myself and hide. I felt that if people only saw my weight then they would not get to know me and would also not expect too much from me. It also became easy because I could blame the way that people treated me on my size.
This week I did not have any distractions to take me away from feeling. I could not turn to food for comfort. I could not busy myself with work or exercise or the constant go..go..go.. It was all about me and my feelings. Now, I know what I need to do and what my goals for myself will be. Instead of always trying to be the best or be the teacher, I am surrendering and I will become the student. I will seek out help, love and nurturing in other ways besides food. I will quit punishing myself for not being good enough and I will allow others to get to know me. I will respect my body and my past so that I can create the future that I have long hoped for.
Today, is the end of the walk of shame for me. That’s part of the makeover and it’s a huge part of the attitude I have been seeking. It really doesn’t matter what the scale says, it is all about what I say to myself. A big thank you to all of you that blog and share parts of you. It does make a huge difference whether you know it or not!
Part of leaving the walk of shame behind is learning how to be successful and give yourself more credit. It’s part of learning how to treat yourself better.
This is why I always recommend small goals. Learning to be successful at smaller things leads to greater things. It becomes more of a mindset. And then you treat yourself better. Focus on just losing 5 lbs. Anyone can reach that goal. When I lost my weight, I did it 5 lbs. at a time, so I just got used to being successful.
I have an eating disorder as well. I binge. And yes, I’ve lost weight. It hasn’t been easy, but it’s doable. XXOO
February 21, 2010 at 12:13 amHello …G’day …welcome to the world at the end of the walk of shame.
Step into the new light.
Gorgeous ..yes you are, as you are.
Sarah Lulu xxx
February 21, 2010 at 3:52 amI have only recently learned about emotional eating, and yes I am very guilty of it. It’s easy to fall into that trap with the lives that we lead, but learning how to deal with it helps make it manageable. I hope that you are able to start feeling better soon.
February 21, 2010 at 5:03 amGreat post. It sounds like you really did a lot of soul searching last week. I work outside the home too and wish I could be on vacation forever. It is so hard to go back every Monday. I wish you much success!
February 21, 2010 at 8:53 amYES! Good-bye hall of shame and Hello Julie Kay!! Love that you stepped back and did a re-evaluation. I understand how you feel when it comes to food being a part of everything that you do in your life and it’s a struggle when it is taking over. A new week has begun and you can do it!
February 21, 2010 at 11:03 amso glad you are looking at everything together and that you need to take care of yourself physically and mentally!!!
February 21, 2010 at 11:05 amOk, note to self: No visiting you while I’m pmsing. You put things so beautifully that I can feel them as well as understand. Yes, I’m in tears. I’m glad you ended the walk. We can (& will) grow together. *hugs*
February 21, 2010 at 11:52 amI so relate to hiding behind the weight so I have an excuse for rejection and hurt. I was going to blog about it this week too in my Totally Truthful Tuesdays. It is time for us to face our demons head-on instead of hiding from them – lets do this.
February 21, 2010 at 4:07 pmI am glad you found Mamavation, Leah is a great mentor for you with her history. You sound like you had quite a week, sorry about everything that led to a quick 6 pound weight loss. However yes to engaging the honest learning process about yourself!
February 21, 2010 at 4:37 pmI love this: I will seek out help, love and nurturing in other ways besides food. I will quit punishing myself for not being good enough and I will allow others to get to know me. I will respect my body and my past so that I can create the future that I have long hoped for….it is all about what I say to myself.
YES, it is Jules time! I am really glad you are focusing on you!!!! You are worth it & I hope you are feeling better & work does not take too much out of you if you are still a bit worn down…
February 21, 2010 at 7:46 pmI’m happy that you got to this place. I just experienced this realization recently and it feels so good.
February 21, 2010 at 8:28 pmIt sounds like this week has been really important to you in your journey. We all have walks of shame in our lives, and how we come through at the end is what makes us stronger. I’m really proud of where you have come from and am cheering you on in your journey!
February 21, 2010 at 8:48 pmlove your posts! You have such a way with words. Very talented.
February 21, 2010 at 9:23 pmFirst off I love to tell you that your words hit me so close to home, when I was in high school I was a cheerlearder and loved it, untill the moment someone called me fat. Guess what I did I started becoming bulimic. I kept it a secert to everyone in my life no one knew. Why shuld anyone know or care, but then one day at a football game I got very sick too sick and had to be rushed to the ER there a very good intern told me that I would die if I didn’t stop throwing up. She said look so what you are not as perfect looking as those other girls who care, what you should care about is getting your life back to normal. That next day I walk the walk of shame to my parents I told them everything. Instead of yells I got tears, and hugs! I quits cheerleadring and picked up dance and choir it was the best thing to happen. Now I still have a problem with over eatting and have to watch myslef, and those thoughts do go through my head, but at least now I have the Mamavation moms behind me and I can hear them wisper in my ears, You don’t need that Amanda, put that back! I am so gla dyou found the mamavation group! Amanda @beeacutie2
February 22, 2010 at 1:35 pmGood for you for making the commitment to end the cycle. Any time you find yourself reaching for food to deal with emotions, remind yourself that food is nutrition. Nothing more. It is not a hug, or a smile, or the encouraging word that you need. People can give that to you, food cannot.
One foot in front of the other, you can do it!
February 22, 2010 at 4:00 pmWow, what a week you’ve had. Congratulations on facing your feelings and what they mean to you and to your health. It’s hard to be honest with one’s self. But, you’ve done it & you’re one step closer to being the woman you want to be. Keep it up & stay true to yourself!
February 23, 2010 at 9:34 pmAw, you made me teary! I have the same kind of problem and it’s painful to admit that the reason I look like this is because I don’t know how to deal with my feelings. Thanks for being the one to say it out loud and for being a good example for me!
February 24, 2010 at 1:28 pmI’m glad you have taken that walk of shame and are now ready to walk into the light of a beautiful new day. Way to go.
February 24, 2010 at 7:26 pmStop walking the walk of shame…. Instead walk confidently in the direction of your dreams – live the life you’ve always wanted. (Ok, so I stole that from Thoreau, but it still holds true). Go for it girl!
February 26, 2010 at 10:26 pm