Monday, March 1, 2010
Relationships – How Do They Stretch You
How do your relationships affect you? If you are a food addict or an emotional eater, relationships can be the number one contributor in your weight loss, body image journey.
I am a fan of Ruby. I watch each week because our lives have similar paths. Last night was a lot about her relationship with Denny. I finished her book, Ruby’s Diary, about a week ago, and there SO many parallels from her diary that could have been pulled from my own journals. I think the relationship factor is one of the biggest factors to emotional eating and addiction.
As many of you know, I have been obese since childhood. (Oh did I really just say that word). I spent so many teenage nights pining for the guy that had become my best friend but didn’t want a “relationship”. And it didn’t stop as I got older. I had many a grown man look me in the eye and say, “You are perfect in every way, I just don’t date fat chicks!”. So I would strive to be perfect and lose a little weight. But as soon as I started getting attention, it would scare me and I would run as fast as I could to the nearest Oreo cookie or chocolate bar I could find. And leave me with the question, “Why can’t someone just love me for who I am?”
With my first marriage, I found a guy who loved me for me. I fell head over heals. But after 10 years of marriage and two beautiful kids, I ended it. I broke his heart. He was a great guy and I got to a point that I had to work on me. I had come to a point where my past was coming to the surface and I thought with two small kids there wasn’t enough left over to keep a marriage going and work on me. I chose me. That was hard for everyone outside our relationship to understand.
I stayed single for about 18 years until Big Puppy came into my life. We became very close friends and spent tons of time together. We made each other laugh and we made each other think. When we first met, he had a similar attitude about weight. But he fell in love with me for who I am inside. Like Ruby says, “He gets me!” “He understands my emotional battles and loves me anyway!”
Big Puppy has a motorcycle and I feel the same way, as Ruby described in her book, when I see him on the motorcycle or hearing it coming home. It makes my heart go pitter-patter! Perhaps, that is the modern day white horse! But as I go through this relationship, I realize he cannot rescue me. I am the only one who can do that.
As I have gotten older, I “see” things quite differently. There is a huge difference between love and sex. Yeah, yeah, we all understand that sex does not equal love but do we really get it. If you are like me when you say, “I want someone to love me for who I am inside” is it based on sex or perhaps, it is based on your own thoughts of how you feel about yourself. Do I expect him to love me and support me and be attracted to me in a physical way, when I, often times, cannot stand what I see in the mirror and don’t feel attractive? Do I expect him to “fix” all my negative feelings I have about myself. I admit I have used my weight as a protection of my heart and my feelings AND a wall to keep not love but sexual advances at bay. I can’t expect any one else to “fix” that for me.
I am a very lucky gal to have Big Puppy in my life. He keeps me real. Others sometimes don’t understand our relationship but I know in my heart that he loves me to death, would do anything for me, and meant it when he said, “Let’s make a fairytale!”. He often tells me I make him WANT to be a better man and when I get out of my own way, his love makes me WANT to be a better woman and go after what I say I want.
There is a BIG difference between wanting someone to change for you and wanting someone to change because that is what they say they want.
How do relationships affect your weight loss, body image issues? Do you see the difference between love and sex? How can you stretch yourself this week on how you view your relationships? Share with me. I want to learn.
My stretch this week is to be brutally honest with myself about my relationship with my body and why I got to this point! To stop using the past opinions and actions of others to hold me back in my current relationships.
I was actually very skinny up until things started getting rocky in my first marriage. Then I gained and lost about 40 pounds. I was at my fittest when XH left me. I was skinny when I met DH, but we both put on the pounds during our first year together. However, he got me fit in terms of exercise. We are both fairly active but need to work on portion control. We are in this together, and are able to support each other.
March 1, 2010 at 11:10 amI was always a skinny girl until I had a bad relationship & then got married. I think I fell into that “comfortable” stage & never got out of it. I always thought it was weird that breaking up can usually lead to weight loss.
March 1, 2010 at 12:24 pmOh dear, you’ve gone and touched another nerve. Don’t even get me started about the man “rescuing” me from myself. I think that’s why I’m in the mess I am right now. I really agree with you about the state of our relationships and our own lives. Trouble always seems to start when we (I, of course, mean me!) don’t keep the two separated. Relying on someone to make us happy or rescue us usually backfires big time.
March 1, 2010 at 1:31 pmI realize he cannot rescue me. I am the only one who can do that.
As always, a very thought provoking post! You are very lucky to have this man in your life & to be working on you. That is what is most important.
I am very lucky with my hubby as he loves me for me although I have never been heavy with him so I guess I could test this.. not!
Thx so much for sharing with us!
March 1, 2010 at 2:39 pmThe Ruby shows are so touching to me, as I just love how she really works at being honest with who she is, where she has come from, and who she wants to be.
I’m glad that you have a great, supportive man in your life. That’s a gift that you just can’t put a price tag on!
March 1, 2010 at 5:37 pmWe have so much in common! Attention from men send me flying to the Oreos too. Even my husband’s (sexual)attention can stress me out and make me want to hide in the fat. And of course this is a big residual effect of losing weight. He is all over me like a cheap suit! I just have to breathe and keep telling myself how grateful I should be that it is me that he wants. Oh, baggage, why can’t we leave you behind?
Great post, Julie.
March 1, 2010 at 8:08 pmI started my blog in part because of the discomfort I was feeling after having lost about 65 pounds — I was no longer invisible!
March 1, 2010 at 11:52 pmWhen I met my,now husband, the first night he told me he didn’t date “fat” women. I had gained 50 pds in five years, was older but also was more spunky about my good qualities for offering in a loving relationship. We hung out anyway because the laughs and sex was too good to give up. Fast forward to 13 years later and THE best loving relationship I’ve been in in my entire life. Big women are not invisible if they are confident and happy within self. Relationships, a wise man once told me, that is how we grow. It’s easy to stay with our own image of life until tested by a relationship to move into unknown areas. Thanks, Julie, your blogs are a wonderful time to reflect, remember and regroup. Blessed be.
March 2, 2010 at 11:09 amI ceased trying to change myself for my partner. I’m loving myself despite what the other person says. And it’s very freeing. Now, I really hope my boyfriend learns to love himself. He’s so deep into self-hate or something that I’m sad about it sometimes. I have a lot of love to give him but I also want him to learn that there is so much to love about him. I’m not forcing him in any way. But I am trying to tell him bits and pieces of what I’ve learned from blogs like yours.
March 3, 2010 at 8:44 am