Unapologetically Myself™

This post is in honor of Carla, otherwise known as MizFit! I had a whole different post planned for today, but I spent the morning reading posts first.  After reading her moving post What have you done to try to fit in , I was powerfully moved to write a little truth. It hit me in my heart and soul so much, I just knew today’s post needed to honor that feeling and I had to trust my intuitive urge to move toward being Unapologetically Myself™ (With her permission of course)

Truth be told, that is more of my journey than the weight or the unhealthy habits I have.  I have spent my entire life feeling I need to apologize for who I am as a person. That feeling of apology comes from the shame and embarrassment of how I grew up.   That feeling of keeping the peace and keeping who I am, with all my “stuff”, deeply hidden is what has kept me uncomfortable in my own skin.  That feeling of “not good enough” that goes way far back to when I was a little girl.  On the outside, I learned to be strong, independent, funny sometimes, kind most of the time, and putting everything and everyone else first ALL THE TIME! My own feelings and causes kept buried underneath the fear and cruel opinions of others.   I believe Carla’s question hit me so hard because of two other people who are supporting me in my journey right now (You know who you are) and they have asked me some very thought provoking questions that have me looking at my past and my issues with TRUST and FEAR.

I don’t trust.  I have a difficult time trusting the process, the day to day, trusting others, but mainly trusting myself.  That is all part of learning and then HONORING who I truly am.  It’s just difficult to get there.  But a big one is my faith.  My belief in that “big guy” doesn’t just come from one specific religion or faith.  Mine is a little bit of many religions.  I have had to take what works for me.  To many, my spirituality seems a little out there, but it works for me.  I feel whatever gets you to faith is what a big part of the journey is about.

I grew up in a violent home filled with addiction, physical violence, cruel fear-based emotional abuse, and sexual, incestuous acts.  The shame of what when on behind the white picket fence appearance on the outside and the threats and hints of who would die if I opened my mouth and spoke linger in my thoughts each and every day.  My Mom was the most important person to me and my secret protected her from harm.  If I spoke not only would I be hurt, more importantly she would.  So each and every word I said and action I took was to fit in AND be protective.   It took me ten years after the abuse stopped to tell a single soul.  I kept it hidden from absolutely everyone for 20 years.  That certainly contributed to being all alone.  But even then, the full story can not be disclosed.  I “see” others reactions to the story and I don’t want people to feel sorry for me or pity me.  That somehow just magnifies the embarrassment and shame.  But it is that same shame and protectiveness that keeps my weight on as a protection against the hurt and pain.  I spent years thinking how could there truly be a god that would let this happen.  As much as I prayed, as a little girl, he didn’t “save” us.  I started to believe what I had heard..if you weren’t good enough, didn’t have enough money to tithe, then you couldn’t be accepted into a particular religion.  You were just JUDGED. Judgment of others affects everyone!

So here I am, 20 years later, and I am trying to learn to let go of those judgments and fears.  Trying to use my voice, a little bit at a time, to help someone else find a little faith, a little trust, and a lot less judgment and shame.

I have a tattoo on my back that is a work in progress, just like my faith and trust.  It is the witch’s tower from the Wizard of Oz, with beams of light coming out of the windows.  The Yellow Brick Road winds toward the tower with the Ruby Red Slippers in the fore ground.  It has Glinda in her bubble and a shooting star.  That is my spirituality.  My journey to believing in myself.  Breaking free of being trapped in the tower of abuse that haunts a victim each and every single day.  Statistics say that 1 in every 3 females and 1 in every 5 males have at least one instance of abuse.

My journey is the Yellow Brick Road and Glinda represents that unseen God that pops in and out to give clues to trusting the voice inside.  That is how I have learned to view my faith. To listen daily, respect the clues I am given, and just plain pay attention.  THEN decide what the next step is.

That is why blogging and the community I read and RESPECT helps me.  I read what I am suppose to, when I need to, and then IF I trust enough, my posts will follow that voice of guidance and that voice, breaking free of the secret, slowly but surely, may just help someone else.  Hopefully,in some way, this will be a pay it forward, kinda deal.  What Carla is trying to do is POWER-FULL!   Stop apologizing or being ashamed what has molded you to get to this point.  Be who you are!  This is Carla’s wish and I want to pass it on:

To embrace and love whom you already are.

To be wholly comfortable in your own skin.

To recognize that you CAN be your own superhero.

To realize that, by virtue of BEING, you are enough.

To be unapologetically yourselves……..

From here on out, I will follow a journey to stop apologizing for who I am and start being my own SuperHero…that wears Ruby Red Slippers, of course! Thank you, Carla, and each and every one of you that belongs to this bold, beautiful blogging community for your honesty, humor and sense of giving and caring…in your posts and in your comments! You never know how your words may just change someone’s life!