Friday, July 16, 2010
Do you play Hide and Seek?
Close your eyes. Count to 10. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8,9, 10. Ready or not, here I come.
Do you remember as a kid, playing hide and seek?
I do.
I loved to play hide and seek, but I never was very good at it.
I use to giggle too much when I was suppose to be hiding.
But later in my life, the game of hide and seek, was not so fun or even funny. I have hidden behind those numbers on the scale. I was embarrassed and ashamed of those numbers. Oh, I have been through the thing of weighing myself up to four times a day. I hid my scale for YEARS. I would take off my shoes to weigh in at the doctor. I would make sure I weighed naked to get an “accurate” reading. It is only recently, that the scale has taken on a different dimension for me. I have had a few people recently tell me, “I can’t believe you posted your weight for everyone to see” or “I could NEVER tell anyone what I weigh.” My next question is, “WHY?”
That is what I started asking myself a couple of months ago. I claimed to be a weight loss, body image blogger, but I had never posted my weight. And honestly, it took me quite awhile to even post my picture on my blog.
I have admitted, more times than not, that I have spent most of my life running around in survival mode. I went digging through my archives, recently, and I realized, I started blogging about a year ago…under a different blog name and format. My blog and my writing has improved and grown, just like ME! Earlier on, I posted Are You a Survivor? 7 emotions. My food for thought was “If I continue to say I am a survivor, am I staying stuck in these emotions?” My answer after a year…..YES I did. All of those emotions listed, were EXACTLY the same emotions that sent me running for the comfort foods and the numbing foods. FEAR is the top emotion, followed by anxiety, then Panic.
Those were the steps that I felt whenever I thought of “putting myself out there”. I was still worried about what others thought of me. BUT, I was approaching it, from the shame and embarrassment I FELT. I was worried about others, because of MY frame of reference, my past experiences, MY own thoughts.
Years ago, at one of my numerous attempts at going to the gym, I was swimming. I LOVE swimming. I love the feeling of freedom. Just me! This one time, ruined that for me, for many, many years. While I was swimming, two guys cleaning along the pool, started discussing the “whale” swimming in the pool. As first I tried to ignore it, then I filled with shame. I never went back to that gym and for many years, I would not wear a bathing suit where anyone could see me. Anytime, I heard someone “teasing” someone else or “gossiping” about their clothes, or their weight, or their education, etc., it stirred up all those feelings of the whale comment. Which made me more fearful.
Posting my actual weight and then posting my picture, took the power out of the scale.
AND it took some of the power out of what others think of me and put the focus on what I think of me. As I have admitted here, more than once, I learn from my kids!
A couple of weeks ago, Little Princess and I were invited to my BFF’s house for swimming. Little Princess came out of the bathroom, in crying, verge of meltdown, because she had gotten on the scale and LOST 10lbs., I only weigh 48 lbs. I had her go back and get on the scale. She came out with this puzzled look on her face and said, ” Now it says, “I weigh 57 lbs.” Okay, now go do it again. “It says I weigh 58. 2 lbs.”
So I told her.. The scale can change its mind a lot. Sometimes it doesn’t tell the whole truth. My BFF and I furthered the discussion while we were swimming. We told her that the scale is just a box. Yes, we check the number but always remember, its not the whole truth.
It reminded of a little game I had played with myself, which I never told anyone, about a year ago. I got on the scale every half an hour, one day, to PROVE to myself that weight can fluctuate SO MUCH! I found that my favorite sweatshirt weighs 2.4 lbs. I found for some odd reason that I weigh 1.2 lbs more when I first get up, then I do an hour and a half later.
So, now play hide and seek with your own scale. What judgment or emotion are you hiding from in regards to the number on the scale? What WHOLE truth are you looking for? And I will leave you with this for Fun Friday. It’s Yum Yucky’s Scale Ninja video….OMG…
Thank you so much for this. It took me forever to realize that the scale is just a tool and that I get to decide how I use it. Now I use it as a guideline, but it certainly doesn’t rule my life like it once did.
July 16, 2010 at 7:39 amForgive me for being blunt, but like a lot of people, women in particular, you have allowed the scale to abuse you, own you, and control you — ongoing.
You may not think it does anymore — you may feel you have taken charge, but since I began reading this blog a few weeks back, I have read the word “scale” as much as any other noun. Does that seem like freedom, or even healthy…?
July 16, 2010 at 7:53 amRoy, YOU are ABSOLUTELY right! My point exactly! You have to act as if until you get there! Yes, I have allowed MYSELF to abuse me and control me…and I can’t fix what I don’t acknowledge!
And with your point of women in particular..again..that goes to the “social” norm of how women are viewed while men are viewed by their strength or their career. It’s not right any way you look at it. But that is another post!
Thank you for being blunt! Because YES, I am in the PROCESS of setting myself free and healthy…for me it is the day to day steps I take to get there! To change how I FEEL about myself!
July 16, 2010 at 8:17 amFor health reasons I have had to become very serious about changing my diet – choices of foods and my attitude about that choice. When I went maverick in my 40′s after years of dieting to lose weight, I nary glanced at the scale. It was all about “how I feel about myself.” That was a lie. Now, I do check every three days as my life quality is dependent upon taking off pounds.I still believe there is no “magic” weight for everybody, but large amounts of fat on the body is more commonly not healthy. Scale, scale, weigh-in, know the truth. Again, J, blunt blog and E, blog response=interest
July 16, 2010 at 9:31 amI attended a men’s group a while ago. Most were stuck in a hole. Of those that were trying to get out, most still looked into the hole even as they distanced themselves. After that experience, I wrote a column on, If you climb out of a hole, go face first. I think you are doing that.
July 16, 2010 at 2:31 pmGreat post Jules….. actually, I did the same thing with the scale years ago that you did & every year or so I do that becaus eI know how the scale fluctuates with me. A LOT. 1 cup of coffee & I am 1.5 pounds heavier. End of day, at LEAST 3 pounds heavier so I know the reality of the scale. The scale is definitely not what I am hiding from.. my fitness/food program is the one area of my life I feel good about…. I know I am probably in the minority…
As for that pool thing.. CRAP! I would have turned those a**holes in!!!!!!!
July 16, 2010 at 5:21 pmJBGB-
First, this is awesome. I really appreciate you opening up and sharing this.
I hate to do this to you, but you’ve got yourself an award waiting over at my blog.
-jafg
July 16, 2010 at 7:35 pm