Writing my thoughts about mindful, intuitive eating and scary yoga has left many a post sitting in draft status. Month after month, I write these posts and they sit quietly waiting for me to hit publish. But as each week progresses, the posts are not quite as quiet.
Several other people’s post this week has stirred those posts demanding to be heard at extreme decibels.
Deb, at Diet Schmiet, recent post of no meaning to the numbers, and somehow, i just saw an older post by Mizfit, when she cried during yoga , maybe it popped up because of a guest post by Poise in Parma about patience
Back in 2009, when Big Girl Bombshell was born I wrote: I can’t control my fears, I can’t control those feelings within my body. I need to find new tools and new focus on becoming friends with myself and those feelings. Letting go is difficult but turning my attention on myself and learning new ways to cope is my newest goal.
At the beginning of 2010, on my Not In Oz Anymore blog, I wrote:
I want to integrate back into my body and become whole.
Here we are in 2012, a couple months shy of 4 years of Big Girl Bombshell. While my weight by scales terms hasn’t changed much in that period of time, my ATTITUDE has changed a million times over.
I am grateful for the long journey. Some how, some way, I always knew inside it was not a straight, linear line to an end number.
I am grateful for this past year. Some how, some way, I have intuitively known that my weight was not the problem but a symptom of a much bigger issue within me, yet I thought losing weight would solve it all.
Many of you may not know, but I haven’t worked at a “job” since last September. Being focused on myself and the final descent into recovery of who I am, what was lost years ago, what I am about, what I value, what I know deep inside, and the hard, hard work of dealing with the issues that were the real problem.
And believing mindful, eating is an AWESOME concept. The intent is spot on. But as anything, it can take a swing, a life of its own, influenced by many that may not understand the true intent, or the truer issues beneath the surface. You have to dig deep below the symptom of diet and weight and body image BEFORE you can be intuitive and mindful of your eating.
My waiver back and forth, of trying yoga, purchasing online yoga programs, dvd’s, wii games because I was too scared to go to a class, too scared of how my body would or would not respond, yet the origin and intent of Yoga, before it became a recent exercise fad, is just as awesome as the concept of mindful and intuitive eating.
But for me that was more scary than dieting, being thinner, or overcoming my shame and embarrassment.
It puts me smack dab in touch with my body. The foreign enemy, the ignored container of my emotions, the thing I always disassociated from, left starved, deprived or quieted under a veil of a binge.
It took me almost 4 years, just until last week, to honestly meditate. I meditated for 25 minutes. Sitting quiet with my thoughts ONLY focused on my breathing. If that focus drifted, my breathing changed and subconsciously would try to hold my breath. I still have a long way to go but remembering my stubborn fight a couple years ago to just sit and stare at a blank wall, that 25 minutes was miraculous. I am grateful
It reinforced my knowing what I have always known for years and years and years. To become whole, it is not about losing weight, but about integrating back into my body and that is a lifelong path on the Yellow Brick Road. Not point A to B then maintain. It starts with the swirl, has ups and downs and turns and stops and dancing…yes dancing.
With that, I took my mindful, intuitive tools that it is not as much about the food and took a leap. I contacted a yoga instructor, explained I was doing body work, integration, and mindfulness and set up a few private sessions, then I will do sessions with only 2 or 3 students, and a session tailor made for me to practice at home.
Yes, Yoga is scary when you know it will bring up emotions and knowing the food will not be there to help cope.
just remember, sometimes what scares you, may be just what you need, as long as you take the tiny steps to build the courage…you don’t always need it to begin and sometimes, it takes practice to be mindful and intuitive before you can apply it to the food.
Lastly, I am grateful for blogs and bloggers……..for me, they are a huge part of my spiritual journey, giving me what I need at the exact moment often when I least expect it.
What are your thoughts on the long journey? on yoga? or mindful -intuitive eating?